George Bush will undergo a colonoscopy this Saturday at Camp David which will require him to relinquish control of the presidency to Vice President Dick Cheney.
Bush will be undergoing the procedure so doctors can attempt to extract President Bush's head from his ass.
Dr. Mark Wittenberg, White House Physician, will be performing the procedure on the President. "It is a fairly complicated procedure," explained the Dr., "at this point we don't know how far up his ass his head actually is or if we will be able to remove it successfully." Doctors became concerned about the presidents head up his ass due to the length of time it has been inserted. While the president has been known to stick his head up his ass on many occasions, usually it was never for more than a week at a time. But this currently, Bush's head last went up his ass April 21st, 2005 and has not been seen since.
"Sticking your head up your ass is a fairly common occurrence for politicians," further explained the Dr., "but it is only safe in moderation. You can't breath in there and you need to remove your head every once in a while to get a breath of fresh air. At this point, the presidents head has been up his ass so long that, at minimum, he has suffered severe brain damage. He might actually be dead at this point and we wouldn't even know it until we get the camera in there to see. At this point, our only hope is that his head is so far up his ass that he has actually made it up to the trachea and is able to get some air that way. While we have never seen someone with their head so far up their asses as to be able to do this, it would explain a lot about his policy decisions."
Prior attempts to get Bush's head out have been unsuccessful. Laura Bush has attempted to cajole Georges head out numerous times and Dr.s have tried using lubrication and a crow bar, but Bush is either unwilling or unable to get his head out of his ass. Bush was responsive to outside stimuli as late as December of 2006. Doctors could hear President Bush giggle if they placed a stethoscope on his abdomen and than told him a fart joke. Unfortunately, the president has been unresponsive to even 3rd grade underwear jokes during his last two examinations.
This story, unfortunately, is not limited to only the president explained Dr. Wittenberg. "We have seen an epidemic of people with their heads up there ass over the last 5 years." Recent estimates from the CDC place the number of Americans with the heads up there ass anywhere from 27-31% of the American population. While the numbers are high, this is down from approximately 51% of the population with their heads up their ass in November of 2004. "We are making progress," claimed the Dr., "but we still have a long way to go. While most of the American people have woken up to the dangers of leaving their heads up there ass, there is still a huge number of people that have been living with this condition for a very long time. We hope to be able to educate these remaining citizens so they too may once again live an ass free existence.
"Cross your fingers and pray," asked Dr. Wittenberg of the American people in regards to the presidents procedure, "Neither the president or the American people can survive much longer with the presidents head up his ass."
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