Monday, November 08, 2004

Bush's Second Term Agenda

With all of his political capital, Bush's second term agenda will contain the following Acts:

The Jobs Creation Act - This act will create jobs with a repeal of the minimum wage. A business will be able to hire 2 people at $2.50 and hour instead of only being able to hire one person at $5.15. Thus, the number of employed persons will be dramatically increased.

The Stockbroker Retirement Fund Act - Lets face it, Social Security is defunct and needs to be put to sleep. But that does not mean all Americans need to be left out in the cold. By privatizing SSI and allowing Americans to invest their money in the stock market, stockbrokers will be able to collect over a trillion dollars in fees so they can retire early. Stock market goes up, great! Stock market crashes and you lose your entire retirement, who cares! They get paid either way... Florida keys, here they come.

The Tax Reform and Reduction Act - Spend too much of your time trying to figure out those complicated 1040 forms and schedules? Haven't figured out how to use "Tax Cut" or "Turbo Tax" on the computer? Don't fret because taxes are now on the honor system. You just simply write out a check for how much you think is fair. And you don't have to worry about your tax dollars going to government agencies you don't like (NEA, NIH, etc.)... you get to pick and choose! You like roads, give $25 to the highway development fund. The police department piss you off by giving you a speeding ticket for doing 80 mph in a school zone?... No problem, give them nothing this year. That will teach them to pull you over. Don't like those books they make kids read in public schools, like "To Kill a Mockingbird" or "Romeo and Juliet"? No longer an issue. Just drop of some Gideon's Bibles at your local school that you took from the last Holiday Inn you stayed at. Free for you, fun for them.

The Poverty Reduction Act - com'on, poor people are just lazy or they would not be poor, right? That is why the government will now consider it a crime to be poor and will fine anyone living below the poverty level $25 a day until they get off their lazy asses and start contributing to society. After all, there is no motivating factor better than possible starvation and having to live out of your car during the winter months. Once they realize that work can be fun, they will be raking in the dough in no time.

The Pollution Related Illness Reduction Act - They only reason people develop cancer or respiratory diseases from air and water pollution is because we are just too weak. Kids are coddled too much these days with all of these indoor air purifiers and Brita water filters. It creates a nation of pansies. Instead, we will start building their tolerance to various toxic chemicals early in life. Fluorine in the water will be replaced with small levels of arsenic. Instead of air purifiers, you will be able to put an air polluter in your child's room which will emit small amounts of car exhaust while he/she sleeps. Not only are you building your child's tolerance to air pollutants, CO2 makes you drowsy so your kids will fall asleep without a fight. School lunches will only serve Salmon and Tuna that contains high levels of mercury. Not only will they immunize themselves from mercury, but they will get the heart healthy Omega 3 oils. We can kill two birds with one stone, healthier kids all around.

The Liberal Draft Act - It is quite obvious that all liberals hate America and with Bush winning re-election by the slimmest margin for any incumbent president ever, something needs to change or those gun loathing, Jesus hating liberals might win the next election and impose additional liberties on our society. Therefore, any registered democrats between the ages of 18 and 65 are now eligible for the draft and will be sent to Iraq to fight. If the military doesn't make them love their country, at least there is solace in knowing that their are no atheists in foxholes. Even if the liberals return from Iraq, still hating America, at least they will have enough religion to know that banning gay marriage is much more Christian than feeding the poor and healing the sick.

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