New Year Predictions

Welcome to the new year, everyone! I hope you had a safe and fun night. I, either being very clairvoyant or suffering from an odd chemical reaction of the combination of scotch, Champaign, and beer, had visions of the future. During a pseudo-epileptic seizure, I was able to read the news headlines from years to come. I have written them down in order to share them with you.

December 21st, 2006
Bush Declares "We are Really Close to Nabbing Bin Laden" - He is pretty sure Osama is still somewhere in the Tora Bora region. Blames delay on Clinton.

July 16th, 2007
Bush Dies in Tragic Cheeze Puff Choking Accident - Dick Cheney assumes control of our nations affairs. Hysterical Laura Bush found in the corner repeating over and over, "his head went back and to the left... Back and to the left!"

July 18th, 2007
Dow Hits Record 20,000 - Dow Jones is buoyed by huge jump in Oil company stock. Halliburton stock price raises 1000% as Cheney outsourcers the entire western half of the US to the company.

August 1st, 2007
Laura Claims Victory - In a wrongful death law suits against Grassy Knoll Snack Food Corp, the makers of the Cheezy Cheez'm Cheeze Puff that caused George Bush's untimely demise, the jury finds for the grieving widow, Laura. Due to earlier passage of tort reform by the Bush's administration, the jury awards Laura the total of $12. Clay Bertrand, president and CEO of G.K. Snack takes out his wallet and pays Laura on the spot.

November 4th, 2008
Jeb Bush Elected President! - Defeats Democratic star Barack Obama after a huge turn around in poll numbers. Credit given to Carl Rove running "al Queda Veterans for Truth" ads where several Muslims claimed that Obama secretly follows Islam.

January 29th, 2009
Terrorists Attack! - 452 people dead and wounded when a bomb went off in the "It's a small world" ride. The vicious attack occurred on Disney World's annual gay day, where the park is reserved for homosexual families. Evangelical Christians are confused about how they feel. Jeb Bush blames Clinton.

June 4th, 2009
1/29 Congressional Hearings Underway - Hearings into the tragedy started to day. PDB titled "al Queda Determined to Attack Somewhere Within Disney World on 1/29 - most likely a ride with lots of really annoying music" revealed to have been given to Jeb months before attack. Secretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz calls it a historical document. Jeb claims that there was not enough information to act on. If he would have known what ride and at what exact time, he would have done everything in this power to thwart the attack. He claims, "its hard work being the President."

June 23rd 2009
WAR! - U.S. Invades the Dominican Republic after Jeb Bush claims the tiny island nation is stockpiling WMDs and harboring terrorists. World is stunned as Jeb leads coalition of the willing (U.S., U.K and Tonga) to war. Michael Moore starts documentary claiming the real reason is to corner the rum markets.

September 13th, 2010
U.S. casualties hit 1000 in DR - Bush claims we are making steady progress towards the democratization of the DR and bringing stability to the Caribbean. Jeb chides a reporter who reminded him that the DR was already a democracy.

November 6th, 2012
Jeb Wins Again - Americans re-elect Jeb to a second term to show support for our troops fighting in the DR. Jeb claims political capital in his second term agenda to tax being poor. Claims, "that should motivate the lazy bastard to start being productive."

January 5th, 2013
Tom DeLay Outed! - Delay steps forward and admits he is a "Gay American" after his secret lover, Richard Simmons gets drunk at a party and admits affair to Jon Stamos. DeLay refuses to answer questions about who is the "Top."

April 1st, 2013
Bin Laden Caught? - Jeb announces the apprehension of Bin Laden... then yells, "psych!" Turns out to be April fool joke. But Bush claims they do have him cornered somewhere in the nations of Afghanistan, Pakistan or Iran.

July 4th, 2015
Terrorist Attack in Traverse City, MI - Terrorist hid a bomb in Traverse City's attempt at baking the world largest cherry pie during its annual Cherry Festival. No one killed, but hundreds of disappointed children go home empty handed. Jeb blames Clinton.

July 16th, 2015
U.S. Invades Quebec - Jeb claims they are building Bio-WMDs. Rest of Canada claims, "it's aboot time, eh!"

July 17th, 2015
War is Over - French Canadians put up no fight other than slinging insults at American troops. Uni-lingual American forces can't understand anything the frogs are saying anyway. WMDs turn out to be a bad batch of brie. Canada insists we pay for the reconstruction of Quebec. Jeb refuses since not a shot was fired.

November 8th, 2016
Surprising Upset in Presidential Election - In a stunner, presidential contender Arnold Schwarzenegger is defeated by rival third party candidate Mohammad-Hakim-Alam-Abu-Hussein. After passage of a constitutional amendment allowing foreign born citizens to run for president, Schwarzenegger was considered a shoe in. Polls turned quickly after Bin Laden tape endorsed both the Republican and Democratic nominees. Yemenise born Hussein is ecstatic.

November 9th, 2016
President Hussein Assassinated - President elect Mohammad-Hakim-Alam-Abu-Hussein held himself hostage for three hours yesterday before blowing himself up. He was quoted as yelling, "death to the Satan Pig American President." Stunned Americans have no idea how to react. Jeb decides to invade Quebec again just for the hell of it. Rest of Canada cheers.

November 16th, 2016
Special Elections held - Since President elect Hussein was tragically killed by suicide bombing before he was sworn in, new elections were held today. Jenna Bush wins in a landslide. Jesse Jackson calls for a recount of electronic voting machines since Jenna was not even on the ballot in any state and no exit polling shows anyone voting for her. Jeb just shrugs and claims Jenna has a mandate and blames Clinton.

March 20th, 2018
Terrorists Hit Prada Store in Manhattan! - Jenna is really pissed. U.S. forces invade Massachusetts. Claim Ted Kennedy is al Queda member stockpiling WMDs. Aging former Senator, now 450 lbs and hasn't been able to fit out of his house for years just drools on self. Jenna blames Clinton.

December 12th, 2019
Almost - Jenna Bush claims we are really, really, really close to getting Bin Laden. She claims that, "we are almost partially sure he is somewhere in Asia... or somewhere close to Asia."