How to be a Moron by George W. Bush

Hello all,

You may know me. I am the president of these here United States of America. I would like to speak to you today about an issues very close to my heart - Moronicism.

Have you ever wanted to be a moron? Well kids, if you ever did hold that dream, you have come to the right place. I have been perfecting the art moronicism for many decades and I want to pass on my moronicalness to you so you can also be a moron.

You may say to yourself - but George, isn't being a moron tough work? Yes, it is hard work, but you can over come that by hard work and confidence. I get up every morning, look in the mirror and say to myself, "Georgie-boy, you are the biggest moron in this whole wide world and no one can stop you. Now get out there and prove how moronic you are."

I like to prove how moronic I am at least once a day. Let me give you some fer instances:

Take my speech yesterday when I visited the country of Asia. It is a strange and mysterious place where the people are so different that they genetically never developed the ability to say the letter R... but look at me. I digress. When I was in Asia, I gave a speech to all the leaders in Asia. I got up there and told one country, China, that it needed to be more like this other country, also called China, but a different China... I think. I guess in the other China's dialect, they pronounce it Taiwan. Anyhoo, one is the big mainland China, and the other is a small island China. They used to be one country a long time ago, but they don't like each other now.

The big China still considers the island of Taiwan to be part of big mainland China and thinks of Taiwan as a renegade province, not an independent country. Big China has threatened to invade Taiwan if they ever try to assert their independence from big China. The one consistant message big China has always sent is not to interfere with their dealings with Taiwan.

Kinda sounds like big China is a big meanie, doesn't it? Well, they definitely are. They abuse and kill their own people and their citizens don't get to vote on their leaders. And China doesn't get along with many people in the world either. It hates the British, the French, Russians, Japanese, etc. Why? Because these countries all used to be imperial powers that from time to time subjugated China and killed her people. Those Chinese sure have a long memory, don't they kids? One of the reasons the U.S. has always had a good relationship with the Chinese is because we are one of the few big countries not to ever have had an imperial presence there. Chinese leaders even believe that having good relations with us was one of their most important goals even after they became communists in 1954.

But, the situation is much more complicated than it appears. You see, China is also one of our biggest trading partners. Almost everything you can buy at wal-mart was produced in China. China and the U.S. are very interdependent on each other economically. China also helps us out a lot on diplomatic and economic issues when we put a little pressure on them. They know that they need us more than we need them, so they often do they things we ask even if it doesn't seem that way on the surface. Take North Korea for instance. North Korea is a really, really bad meanie who is developing nuclear weapons to vaporize your mommy and little sister. We have been trying to get North Korea to stop doing this for quite some time now. Unfortunately, I had another moron, John Bolton, as the head of the negotiations, so nothing happened for 4 long years. But we got China to cut of North Korea's oil supply in April of 2005 which helped force North Korea back to the negotiating table. Without China's help, negotiations with North Korea are nearly impossible.

So, how was saying China should be more like Taiwan such a moronic move? Because Taiwan is China's biggest thorn in its side you could possibly imaging. How big of a thorn is it? Well, lets put it this way. It would be like people pointing and laughing at us and saying 50,000 dead American soldiers is what we deserved for fighting the Viet Nam war. There is not a possible insult worse than saying what I said to China in their eyes. I could have not chosen a government in the entire world that would have been worse to say China should be like. I could have said "you should be more like Kerzecimeccablachistan," and it would have been better. Ah, I'm just joshing with you. Kerzecimeccablachistan ain't really a country... At least that is what Conddie tells me.

My little moronic blunder could seriously jeopardize the bigger issue of national security and stopping North Korea from building more nukes. It may have jeopardized our ability to push China to liberalize its market economy and to help keep jobs here at home so you daddy can put food on the table and you don't have to eat dog food for dinner.

Yes, I could have said many things, but I chose to say the most moronic thing possible to throw the biggest insult possible at a country that we really, really need right now. It is like calling you little sister a big poopie head right after she caught you stealing from the cookie jar and you have to then try to convince her not to tell mom and dad. Only a moron would call her a big poopie head in such a situation. I am that moron.

That, kids, is how you prove you are a moron. Say the exactly worse thing at the exactly worse time.