Wednesday, November 16, 2005

How to be a Moron by George W. Bush

Hello all,

You may know me. I am the president of these here United States of America. I would like to speak to you today about an issues very close to my heart - Moronicism.

Have you ever wanted to be a moron? Well kids, if you ever did hold that dream, you have come to the right place. I have been perfecting the art moronicism for many decades and I want to pass on my moronicalness to you so you can also be a moron.

You may say to yourself - but George, isn't being a moron tough work? Yes, it is hard work, but you can over come that by hard work and confidence. I get up every morning, look in the mirror and say to myself, "Georgie-boy, you are the biggest moron in this whole wide world and no one can stop you. Now get out there and prove how moronic you are."

I like to prove how moronic I am at least once a day. Let me give you some fer instances:

Take my speech yesterday when I visited the country of Asia. It is a strange and mysterious place where the people are so different that they genetically never developed the ability to say the letter R... but look at me. I digress. When I was in Asia, I gave a speech to all the leaders in Asia. I got up there and told one country, China, that it needed to be more like this other country, also called China, but a different China... I think. I guess in the other China's dialect, they pronounce it Taiwan. Anyhoo, one is the big mainland China, and the other is a small island China. They used to be one country a long time ago, but they don't like each other now.

The big China still considers the island of Taiwan to be part of big mainland China and thinks of Taiwan as a renegade province, not an independent country. Big China has threatened to invade Taiwan if they ever try to assert their independence from big China. The one consistant message big China has always sent is not to interfere with their dealings with Taiwan.

Kinda sounds like big China is a big meanie, doesn't it? Well, they definitely are. They abuse and kill their own people and their citizens don't get to vote on their leaders. And China doesn't get along with many people in the world either. It hates the British, the French, Russians, Japanese, etc. Why? Because these countries all used to be imperial powers that from time to time subjugated China and killed her people. Those Chinese sure have a long memory, don't they kids? One of the reasons the U.S. has always had a good relationship with the Chinese is because we are one of the few big countries not to ever have had an imperial presence there. Chinese leaders even believe that having good relations with us was one of their most important goals even after they became communists in 1954.

But, the situation is much more complicated than it appears. You see, China is also one of our biggest trading partners. Almost everything you can buy at wal-mart was produced in China. China and the U.S. are very interdependent on each other economically. China also helps us out a lot on diplomatic and economic issues when we put a little pressure on them. They know that they need us more than we need them, so they often do they things we ask even if it doesn't seem that way on the surface. Take North Korea for instance. North Korea is a really, really bad meanie who is developing nuclear weapons to vaporize your mommy and little sister. We have been trying to get North Korea to stop doing this for quite some time now. Unfortunately, I had another moron, John Bolton, as the head of the negotiations, so nothing happened for 4 long years. But we got China to cut of North Korea's oil supply in April of 2005 which helped force North Korea back to the negotiating table. Without China's help, negotiations with North Korea are nearly impossible.

So, how was saying China should be more like Taiwan such a moronic move? Because Taiwan is China's biggest thorn in its side you could possibly imaging. How big of a thorn is it? Well, lets put it this way. It would be like people pointing and laughing at us and saying 50,000 dead American soldiers is what we deserved for fighting the Viet Nam war. There is not a possible insult worse than saying what I said to China in their eyes. I could have not chosen a government in the entire world that would have been worse to say China should be like. I could have said "you should be more like Kerzecimeccablachistan," and it would have been better. Ah, I'm just joshing with you. Kerzecimeccablachistan ain't really a country... At least that is what Conddie tells me.

My little moronic blunder could seriously jeopardize the bigger issue of national security and stopping North Korea from building more nukes. It may have jeopardized our ability to push China to liberalize its market economy and to help keep jobs here at home so you daddy can put food on the table and you don't have to eat dog food for dinner.

Yes, I could have said many things, but I chose to say the most moronic thing possible to throw the biggest insult possible at a country that we really, really need right now. It is like calling you little sister a big poopie head right after she caught you stealing from the cookie jar and you have to then try to convince her not to tell mom and dad. Only a moron would call her a big poopie head in such a situation. I am that moron.

That, kids, is how you prove you are a moron. Say the exactly worse thing at the exactly worse time.


tommy said...

I missed the speech due to my employer's ridiculous assertion that I should actually go to work.

Anyway, did he say something about China that was wrong or misleading?

Dingo said...

Work... schmirk.

Well, for one thing, Taiwan didn't have democratic elections until last year for the first time, and those were highly contested.

But that is irrelevant to the point I was making (after all, I did call China a big meanie :)

If there was one county Bush should not have compared China to, it is Taiwan. It was a deliberate insult to a country we need right now for more important national security issues. China is not a threat to America. North Korea is. We also need their support on the UN security council. Knowingly insulting them like that when we really need China was just a boneheaded move.

It would be like saying, "people of Great Britain. You have been instrumental in our fight in Iraq and in the greater war on terror. We will need your continued help to protect our people. By the way, all your women are butt ugly and you have bad teeth."

How may U.S. politicians and citizens have turned against France for their criticism of us?

We all practice diplomacy in real life. Its not so hard. If your wife ever gained 30lbs, would you say, "Wow, Honey! Your ass has gotten huge! I'm surprised you can even fit through the doorway" or would you find an alternative message?

tommy said...

Well the China Taiwan issue is on going and complicated. We have spent a great deal of time and effort staging military exercises and dispensing rhetoric in the attempt to convince the Chinese that we care enough about Taiwan to get involved should they ever decide to pursue some sort of action (I wonder if we really do care that much).

I guess my question is is Bush's speech more or less of a hindrance than dragging a carrier group through the strait?

Dingo said...

Ah... the military assistance. That is a whole other complicated issue. The military assistance with Taiwan has been used for decades as a bargaining chip. We know it and the Chinese know it. But the thing about chips is that they can be used. they can be cashed in or taken off of the table at the appropriate time for the appropriate measure. We always give Taiwan less than what they ask for in return for cooperation from China on this or that.

What Bush did was not a bargaining chip. It cannot be cashed in and the only way to take it off the table is a full retraction, which makes Bush look even more like an idiot because he is retracting something that is more or less true. All Bush really did was give a bargaining chip for China to use (e.g. wife - "you called me fat and hurt my feelings, so now you owe me jewelry.")

There were no upsides to Bush comments

Dingo said...

BTW the bargain between us and China on Taiwan military assistance is more or less this. We can have joint exercises and sell them weapons to an extent, but we don't recognize Taiwan's independence from China. If we did, China would take a whole different approach to our military assistance.