Monday, October 04, 2004

Fox Tries to Regain Credibility as Being "Fair and Balanced"

Just off of the ABS press wire - Washington, October 4th - In an attempt to regain credibility with intelligent Americans as being "fair and balanced," Fox News turned over a draft copy of the speech Bush gave in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio this Sunday. Apparently Karen Hughes had taken a day off from babysitting Dubya to spend time with her own children. The president took the opportunity to write his own speech. Carl Rove is credited for catching the draft speech before Bush was able to deliver it. But, a Fox News intern, working closely with the Bush/Cheney PR campaign, retrieved the draft from the "To Be Shredded Box". Below are some of the excerpts from the speech. The regular text is what he did say. The italicized text represents what was edited from the speech.

Thank you all. The sun is shining on Ohio almost as much as I am shining it up your back side.

I want to thank you all for coming. I'm here to ask for your vote because if you vote for me outright, it saves a lot of hassle from having the computer guys change your vote later... on on that note, while I am here in Ohio, lets give a hand to Walden O'Dell, CEO of Diebold corporation, the company that makes the machines you vote on. Walden publicly claimed "I am committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President." Come on people, lets give it up for the man! Without dedicated supporters like him, I would never be able to hold elected office.

Go out and register your friends and your neighbors. Then after you get them registered to vote, get them headed to the polls. And remind them the password is "pretty, pretty pony" or they will be turned away from the poll as a "convicted felon."

I believe every child can learn and every school can teach. I've found its the teachers that are the problems with the education system. That's why I don't fund education. If teachers were really there for the love of teaching, they wouldn't demand a paycheck. You see, they are just selfish. They are not compassionate like you and me. See, I believe in the phlosophication of this fella named Adam Smith. See, Mr. Smith had these invisible hands and came to Washington and told us the market takes care of itself, all on its own, by taking care of itself, without any help, and without the govenrment getting in the way. It will work in education, too. I believe, once all of the "greedy" teachers leave because they are not getting paid, it will make room for the people who really love teaching and they will finally be able to practice their love with children. Then the real learn'n will begin.

We stand for the appointment of federal judges who know the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law. See, Attorney General Ashcroft tells me that he has got a super secret copy of the Constitution, drafted by our founding fathers, and put away in an underground vault, only to be produced at the turn of the millennium. Luckily, God wanted me to be president in 2000 so John Ashcroft was the first person to see this version of the constitution. Now you may have some suspicionations about this document. I know I did, but we have had experts thoroughly examine it for authenticity. I can guarantee you that it was typed by an actual typewriter and was not, I repeat, was not created using Microsoft Word. I'm not as dumb as Dan Rather. He tells me it includes six additional bill of rights amendments, including a ban on them hominosexuals from getting hitched, and a ban on biochemist doing high tech research on stem cell technology in conjunction with recombinant DNA technology. Boy, those founding fathers sure were real smart, weren't they? John has assured me he'll tell us the rest of the new amendments on a need to know basis. I think there is something in there about the PATRIOT act, but he only wants to bring it out if the courts strikes any of the act down. It's just that he can't let anyone else see it or know where the document is right now because terrorist would blow it up. Because the terrorist are evil, and evil people are bad, and bad people blow things up, like the constitution, because that would harm us. Its hard work being the president. God bless that man for protecting us.

It has been hard to be the first president to not create one new net job since Hubert Hoover... Its Hard work. To keep jobs in this country, we've got to reject economic isolationism. See, we've opened up our markets -- just not me, other Presidents, as well, from both parties have opened up our markets because it's good for you, the consumer. See, I found this out the hard way by imposing tariffs on imported steel, only to cost thousands of US jobs in every industry that uses steel. Boy, was that stupid. But as the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you because I can't fool me again.

The fellow I'm running against has so far proposed $2.2 trillion in new spending. My spending plan is way bigger. My plan is $3 trillion. That's right I love you $800 million more times than that so called liberal. That's why you should vote for me... who's your sugar daddy? Thats right, I am.

So they asked him how he's going to pay for it and he said, well, we're just going to tax the rich. We've heard that before, haven't we? Let me tell you a couple things wrong with this "tax the rich." The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason, because they want to stick you with the bill. Take it from me, I'm rich. I've been sticking you with the bill for years before becoming president. I have spent thousands of dollars on those lawyers to find me loopholes. If I had a nickel for every lawyer and accountant I have hired over the years, I would be even richer than I already am. I could buy me a shiny new Camero with a rear spoiler and chrome rims and one of them neon lights that go underneath the car to make it look like its floating. I know those lights are "illegal" in most states, but hey, I'm the Prez. I can just, like, pardon myself if I get pulled over. The cop would be all up in my face and be like, "you're under arrest," and I would be all like, "no way, back off pig" and he would be like, "shu'huh," and I would be like, "shu'not. I'm the Prez, bitch!" And then he'd get all scared and stuff, and I'd hop back in my ride and take off. Yeah, It would definitely be sweet. Texas chics dig Cameros.

In order to help our workers, I'm a big believer in the community college system. Look, I understand that not everyone's grandfather sits on the Board of Trustees at Yale like mine did. Not everyone can pull strings to get them into a ivy league school when there are thousands of actually "qualified" students who have applied. I understand it can be hard for you little people. And that is why I want to help by giving you the best profession retraining possible so you can be the best Wal-Mart employee that you can be.

In this time of change, we've got to do something about the health care system. There's a big difference in this campaign on health care. You listen carefully to what my opponent's laying out, and it says one thing. Damn! Why didn't we think of it first. Oh, well, its not like I really care about that crap much anyway.

Also, You cannot be pro-doctor, pro-patient, pro-hospital, and pro-trial lawyer a the same time. That's just to complicated. That's why I am simplifying things by just being pro-insurance company. As my beautiful wife Laura says... keep it simple, stupid. Although, I am not sure if I like her calling me simple... hee, hee.

I believe we have a moral responsibility to honor our seniors with good health care. I went to Washington to solve problems, not to pass them on to future Presidents and future generations. But, then I realized I couldn't solve those problems and give my friends tax breaks without passing along a huge debt to future generations. Look, I understand it is tough for you old people out there, but I gave a solemn oath to those people who paid for my 2000 campaign. See, my word is my honor and I know you understand that it would be immoral to go back on my word. Especially since I promised them first. Firsties wins when it comes to promises, right?... Besides, with no health care and prescription drugs too expensive to afford, its not like you're gonna live long enough to see your grandchildren have to pay for the national debt we are racking up, anyway. So relax... its all good.

As well, we've got to think different about our retirement systems. You might remember the 2000 campaign, when people said, well, if George W. gets in, they're going to take away your Social Security check. You still got your check, didn't you? See, I didn't lie about everything. I believe younger workers ought to be allowed to take some of their own tax money and set up a personal savings account that they can call their own that the government cannot take away. We will give that opportunity to my buddies like Ken Lay. That way you can't blame me when you can't retire at 65.

When you're out gathering up the vote, remind your friends and neighbors about what this economy has been through. The stock market started to decline before Dick Cheney and I got to Washington. Then we had a recession. Then we had some citizens forget what it means to be a responsible American. They didn't tell the truth. Take my good buddy Ken Lay. He bilked you out of billions of dollars. He was bad... real bad. If you've noticed I have barely even tried to obstruct justice on his behalf. See, I care about you. I'm compassionate

We've added 1.7 million new jobs last year. We've added 107,000 manufacturing jobs since January. Now, I know we actually have to create jobs at 150,000 per month just to keep up with population growth, but hey, baby steps... baby steps. Hey, I have run every company I was CEO of into the ground. You can't expect me to learn to do everything perfect overnight, can you? Its hard work being the president.

Thanks for coming. God bless you all. Thanks for being here. Thank you all.

No comments: